As we've recovered from jetlag, introduced Drew into our family, and kept going with life, I've kept my head down and focused on what needs to get done. There is a lot to get done. Many balls are getting dropped.
Come to find out, 4 kids is a LOT of kids, especially when we are all home, all the time, homeschooling and cocooning and the like. Or we are at swim team and I am having a complete breakdown with all 4 in different directions at the lake and pool.
As Drew has bonded so well with us, he is needing us more and more, a good thing. He is healing, and that comes with much fussing in the middle of the night or when I leave the room. He wants/needs to be on me most of the time and is not a fan of napping longer than about 15 minutes. I love to have him on me and he starts clapping when I pull out the Ergo, did I mention he is 23 lbs?!!
I am struggling with my own inadequacies. Lucy and Preston are having a really hard time right now. LOTS of temper tantrums, sobbing in the middle of the night b/c "my tummy hurts", needing my full attention, and just blatant defiance and disobedience. They need me too, and lots of me.
Come to find out, there is only 1 of me.
Also, Andy is slammed at work right now, catching up from being gone and lots of other work related issues. That means LONG hours and travel. Neither of us has much for the other right now and we are empty, dry. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. I really want to be GREAT mom, but too often try and do it out of my own capacity and fail miserably, spinning my little wheels all the while. I am not spending time in prayer and study and have realized, once again, how Christ is my absolute lifeline. Nothing else can fill me. Only he can equip me for this.
And, "this" in the grand scheme of things is pretty amazing!!
I am abundantly blessed, just a little over my head with my blessings, and their needs!
8 comments:
Oh mama, I am SO completely with you. Returned home from Uganda with our little 10-month-old six weeks ago, and I can SO identify with everything you wrote. Yes, only one of me really is not enough most days. I've had a revelation this week, though: Going to bed as early as possible is a lifesaver.
Blessings as you navigate the next steps in your journey!
I have no words of wisdom for you... it would sound ridiculous coming from someone with a 6 month old who sleeps like 17 hours a day. All I can say is that I know you will get through this phase... maybe not unscathed, but through it nonetheless! You're an awesome mom and dad. Love you all!
p.s. It's AnnE of Green Gables. It's almost like you didn't even take away the primary message of the story! ;)
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
Eph 3:14-21 (ESV)
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3
just posted this on my blog yesterday. it's been running through my head everytime i start to panic (which is often.)
He is your peace. even amidst the craziness. and He loves you SO much.
praying for you!!!
Emily - thanks for the honest post about your reality at this point in time. I really appreciate you sharing your heart.
Isaiah 26:3 came to mind as I read your post, but someone already mentioned that. Here's another passage that's been on my mind this week:
"Don't be afraid. I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you!"
I'm praying for you, Emily. God is doing His awesome work in you and through you as you sacrifice for your family. Our Father loves you and will sustain you, A, and the kids through this difficult transition. Your love and care is so obvious in Drew's joyful face. Precious photo! Such a change in him from a month ago. Wow.
As a Grandma-to-be of a Rwandan orphan at some future date, I have so enjoyed reading your blog. It's exciting hearing about all the families bringing home their children. You have such a beautiful family, and your heart is right, and you WILL have your spirit restored. What you are doing for their little one is so awesome, and you WILL be given the strength to get through. Your complete honesty helps our family to understand the entire process. If I could clone you right now, I would. :-) Each child will learn the "new normal", and years from now,they will "rise up and calling you blessed!" Kids are resilient and don't harbor resentment when they don't get every single little whim satisfied. They become more self-reliant, confident young people when they have had to navigate life's challenges a bit on their own. :-) Hang in there and keep blogging! :-)
Will it make you feel any better to know that #4 was the one that kinda pushed me over the edge?
Not emotionally. Number 1 killed me so much emotionally, #s 2 & 3 were cake. It was just with #4, it seemed like it took much, much longer to get my groove. I kept waiting and waiting for my mojo to come back and, well, I'm still sorta waiting.
But after a year (I know, a long time) I felt like I kinda had it together. I mean, my house is a perpetual mess, my eyebrows always need waxing, and we eat way more frozen pizzas than I ever planned on, but I can breathe now.
It will come. Until then, give yourself loooooooots of grace. Don't sweat the small stuff, or the big stuff, go to bed even though you have 20 things to do, cancel all commitments and volunteer for NO.THING.
I've always said the secret to my semi-successful mothering is very, very low expectations :)
PS my kiddos are always complete drama pills for about 6 weeks when a new baby comes. This too shall pass!
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